Self Esteem and Lost Generations

 

My inquiry into the relationship between Indigenous American and Eastern spirituality offers me the Medicine Wheel, a holistic symbol of peaceful interaction between all living beings on Earth.  It complements the Eastern teachings of the nature of causality, continually changing and conditioning each other in its interconnections in the web of life.  

I use these teachings to introduce our humanity, fallibility and vulnerability - the impermanence and the dance between chaos and order - into my work in modern organizations conditioned for competition and perfection in the “machine metaphor”.    

This is because we have been “educated from birth to compete, judge, demand and diagnose” according to the founder of Non-Violent Communications, Marshal Rosenberg.   Naturally, it breeds negativity and inevitable conflict.    

I weave Eastern and Indigenous American wisdom together to facilitate Conflict Resolution training programs as I invite participants to cast a reflective mirror on self first, in dealing with “difficult people”.  There is no magic-bullet or a 3 step process to deal with a difficult person, as we have no control over anyone else’s emotions, but we do have control over ours.  That is emotional intelligence.  

At the same time, we know that we do influence each other’s moods and emotions through the ether and that too requires self-awareness, mindfulness and relationship intelligence.

Emotional, relationship and social intelligence can be developed through mindfulness practices and traditional rituals. This goes to our spiritual journey, to be centered and grounded and self-aware for self-mastery - to be skillful in our daily interactions. We acknowledge and accept our differences and realize that conflict is normal and even neutral, as it is we who will energize it with our emotional response.     

A Revelation

As I was getting to know the participants of the December 2014, Conflict Resolution course in Ottawa, it was serendipitous to have a First Nations participant, Tracy Lavallee, a Plains Cree woman in the program.

She experienced a revelation as we focused on self-mastery to work through the connection between a healthy self-esteem and the way we approach conflict.  Self-esteem is one of the five fields of Emotional Intelligence[i].  She was intrigued by the origins of our foundational self-esteem through nurture of our parental and familial love.  

Nature also plays a part, through our physical and biological health and well-being, to varying degrees.  The “Atma Shakti”[ii] - the power of self - the inner strength and resilience that we bring to life from birth also complements nurture from those significant loved ones.

Self-esteem is defined as how we value ourselves, perceive our value to the world - how valuable we think we are to others through the feedback we get. Self-esteem affects the way we live, how we trust ourselves and others in our relationships. 

Self-esteem defines our self worth and confidence, develops from a foundation of unconditional love and compassion, the nurturing first, from our Mother or a loving caregiver – the touch, the voice, the nourishment from breast milk and then the care of the extended family in safe surroundings – all this is an intrinsic part of the nurture that balances with nature.

Low self-esteem - feeling unworthy, incapable and incompetent - is debilitating and can keep us from realizing our full potential.  Low self-esteem can perpetuate itself even to progeny and the cycle can continue.  So the root causes of low self-esteem can be a lack of love, nurturing and acceptance in early stages of our lives into our late teens and it continues.

Tracy and I inquired into the implications when this critical nurturing is taken away, as when the First Nation-Aboriginal children were being removed from their homes and placed in residential schools.

For Tracy, this learning was empowering as Aboriginal communities are judged and stereotyped for their waywardness.  She saw possible root causes for the disconnect, despair and the inner violence stemming from a lack of this basic human need for familial love, which, for the most part, was denied when children were plucked away to the residential schools.

Tracy's Story

Tracy related her heart wrenching story of the capture of her own mother and aunt by missionaries while walking home and taken away in a cattle truck.  Her mother never spoke of this traumatic experience and she pondered on how those scars would have affected her mother in the way she would struggle to nurture her own children. 

Tracy, as a result, spent most of her childhood with her grandparents, who were also scarred by the experience, but gave her the love and attention.

Tracy’s aunt had been open to share how she, the younger of the two, remembered vividly - clinging onto her elder sister in terror as they were driven away.

I can only imagine the trauma of this experience and how this would spiral into a deep sense of despair.      

Tracy found her confidence to earn a law degree and find balance in her life, yet dismayed by much of her people being stuck in a cycle of despair. Gaining this insight about self-esteem enables her to articulate some of the possible root causes for their plight. This empowers Tracy to seek more focused ways to continue her good work for transformation, even as mainstream Canada judges Aboriginal people at a very superficial level without realizing the deeper causes.    

As Canada learns this different history and builds bridges of empathy and understanding, these root causes for the current situation for many communities – the lack of confidence, the self abuse and a lack of direction for many, cannot be ignored.

Empathy for Feelings and Needs

The way to build bridges of understanding is through empathy. We accept that an entire society’s emotions have been scarred.  

Many emotional needs would have been deprived for these stolen generations – the need for affection, acceptance, belonging, closeness, community, companionship, compassion, connection, comfort, empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, nurturing, respect, security, safety, stability, support, trust, warmth, choice, freedom, independence, privacy, physical well-being, peace of mind, harmony and more. 

Imagine the feelings that would have arisen – feelings of despair, anguish, fear, loneliness, melancholy, sorrow, exhaustion, anger and the violence that would have resulted in these young minds, leaving them perplexed and confused.  

How can we expect their self-esteem to be in tact?.  

How can we then judge them on the same scale?.

There would have been some who had the inner strength to cope in resilience.  Some may have even thrived when they had caring teachers and administrators in these schools.  We realize these are few and far between from the hearings of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada.

Building Bridges with Empathy

Building bridges without prejudice, we acknowledge the past, but not to feel guilty, as it was then, with a dominant culture of the colonist, the misguided notion of Manifest Destiny, the racial superiority, led them to believe that the Natives were savage heathens that needed to be saved.   

That was then, and now in an interconnected, globalized, more enlightened world, we take positive action to build bridges, make amends to reconcile.  To do this with authenticity, we have to build trust by communicating empathy.

For a multicultural and a plural Canada, which welcomes immigrants to its circle in the same Aboriginal spirit the Europeans were welcomed in the 16^th century, the Medicine Wheel symbolizes the harmony and connection, for peaceful coexistence of such diverse cultures.  It helps us to find a balance between a focus on the individual, material and hierarchical to one in community, aligned with nature in the living system of the circle. 

The power of balance then comes with amity between our rational, emotional and spiritual intelligences, as we make amends to reconcile a past that developed through domination of one over another to a new enlightened path based on mutual respect for mutual benefit.

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[i] Five Fields of Emotional Intelligence – Self Esteem, Listening, Self Expressing, Coping with Anger, Self Disclosure – Sage Training Australia – Robert Vanderwall

[ii] Atma Shakti – in Sanskrit is Power of Self or our Spiritual Energy

Getting to know the Neighbors: A Walk for Solidarity from Chelsea to Kitgan-Zibi, Quebec

I felt privileged and excited about my first visit to a First Nations reserve – Kitigan-Zibi, as we walked with my Chelsea, Quebec friends.  Trekking along the old rail track from near the town of Messine and Farley Road, it was serendipitous to see a big Golden Eagle perched atop a tree looking at us.  This was a good omen, as the visit was about building bridges between neighbors - long since broken from when the Europeans arrived in the 1600s. 

The struggle for respect, acceptance, recognizing their land claims and reconciliation continues for many 1^st Nations, Inuit and Metis communities in Canada.

“We wanted to express our solidarity with them and to demonstrate in a concrete way that some people are indeed listening”, said Janet Intscher, the co-organizer of the walk.

Building bridges was what these Chelsea friends, Sue Bramley, Janet Intscher and others including Chelsea Mayor Caryl Green were doing when they planned the visit to their First Nations neighbour to their north.

Janet and Sue had put much effort to plan this walk – first as a 5 day trek from Chelsea to reciprocate the Nishiyuu Walkers - the six Cree youth and two guides who walked 1,600 kms from the remote village of Whapmagoostui, Quebec on the shores of the Hudson Bay in March 2013.   Chelsea gave the Nishiyu walkers a rousing welcome to their surprise.

Inspiration from the Documented James Bay Cree History 

The Chelsea community was inspired to build bridges after seeing a documentary series produced by Robert Chitty and the Gordon Group - an Ottawa based marketing firm - at the Meredith Centre for the first time. 

The series aired over a few weeks, educated a several hundred Chelsea and the Ottawa residents about how Eeyou Istchee ("People of the Land" in Cree), the James Bay Cree community had an epic battle for over 30 years with the Quebec government who wanted to change the direction of the rivers for hydro electric projects. 

The Warm Welcome at Kitgan-Zibi 

Due to complexity of the logistics for a 5 day trek, the Chelsea team settled on a walk for a few hours for now with a longer trek planned for later.

The anticipation and excitement of the twelve walkers was palpable at the Kitigan-Zibi Cultural Centre. The building was impressive and the gardens well kempt in contrast to the rustic images I had in mind.

We were welcomed to the circle by an elder with a traditional prayer thanking the creator and blessing the visit.

We settled into a sumptuous meal including Moose pate and Partridge pasta and taken on a historical tour of the intricate display windows by wonderful story tellers, Rene Tenasco and Brenda Odjick.  

Each pane gave an account of their rich history, the culture, traditions and many tales of creation which pointed to our oneness with nature. 



Faith Decontie, a confident and self assured young woman  of Anishinabeg and Nakota (Saskatchewan) lineage introduced a short documentary she produced asking a host of young people - what it means for them to be Anishinabeg. 

The smart, assertive and articulate young people in the documentary responded as to what it meant for them to be Anishinabeg - defies many of the stereotypes we hear in the media. 

Faith has a degree in Anthropology and plans to do her Masters at Carleton University in Ottawa in the fall of 2015.  She has a deep interest in learning about different cultures and proud of her own heritage. 

Faith has demonstrated her passion already in a previous short documentary called Pow Wow Family where she shows their heritage of dancing to feel a strong connection, to be moved by the energy, to become one with self and to be grounded.  http://www.wapikoni.ca/movies/ni-ka-toten. 

Faith and the young people she portrayed in her second documentary gave us a window to Canada’s future as Aboriginal population is growing by 20% as opposed to non aboriginal people (about 5%) according to Statistics Canada (Aboriginal Peoples in Canada: First Nations People, Metis and Inuit, National Household Survey, 2011).

With his quiet and confident air about him, Chief Gilbert Whiteduck introduced himself and his community to us as we sat at the edge of our seats, listening to every word he spoke.  He is passionate about his community, the land, the water, education, and his work to bring justice to his people. 

Chief Whiteduck was not a victim of residential schools. Instead he went to a provincial school so he learned the “mainstream” system and culture.  He complemented this education by learning from Elders about his own culture and traditions. He has served his community for over 40 years, mostly as an educator and he sees education as key to bringing back esteem and confidence of, especially the new generation.    

Kitigan-Zibi is one of the ten communities that make up the Algonquin Nation. The reserve was created in 1853 and has about 46,000 acres of land. About 2,900 are members with 1,600 living on the reserve.

In the late 1800s there was a strong push by settlers and lumber barons to have the members surrender about 50% of the community.

According to Chief Whiteduck, the Kitigan-Zibi Anishinabeg have endured centuries of lies and thievery by governments and individuals wanting to take the little land they hold. That is why they do not trust government. He spoke of his frustration in dealing with governments that are dismissive and disrespectful, not recognizing the rights over their ancestral lands.

He is passionate about their attachment to the land as core to their identity and birthright as he says, "the land will always look after them".

The concept of owning land as a commodity has always felt foreign, as doing so goes against their values. That is why they oppose the privatization of reserve lands as that legitimizes the present system.

Kitigan-Zibi, does not suffer the ravages of many of the farther communities, perhaps due to its proximity to Ottawa and the lineage of the likes of the popular and effervescent former Chief William Commanda, who led the community from 1951 to 1970.  Chief Commanda avoided the residential school by hiding in the bush for long periods of time as a child and endured much poverty and hardship, perhaps attesting to his and his community’s creativity and resilience.

Chief Whiteduck welcomed the guests graciously as friends to the nation and expected this friendship will grow. He reiterated that their work is to protect their environment and nature not only for them, but for all Canadians, as we share this bounty together. 

The historic visit left us all invigorated and inspired. It prompted the Chelsea Mayor Caryl Green to commence a ceremony to lay a foundation stone for a building the next day by “acknowledging the unceded Algonquin lands they are on”. That gesture should set a new precedent for Chelsea.

Perhaps this is a beginning of a long friendship on equal ground with mutual respect, which may inspire others to do the same, as in friendship, we may find much more in common than what may divide us.

We may also become sensitive and have empathy to the plight of the many more communities that are not as fortunate as Kitigan-Zibi. Coming out of our comfort zones to find common ground, we realize there are complex root causes for the disconnect, the disparity and despair that exists in many indegenous communities.

  

The Difficult History

 

Carleigh Baker, a Métis writer from Vancouver reviewing John Ralston Saul’s book The Comeback in Globe and Mail (5^th December 2014) wrote, “If you focus on the behaviour of our government (and you’re not Aboriginal) you may feel guilty about how Canada was built.”

Saul recognizes our collective guilt about our colonial past and neo-colonial present is interfering with Canadians’ ability to see the future.  

Saul said at his book launch in Ottawa this fall - “We will not realize our Canadian identity until we establish an authentic national narrative. This narrative is built on the role of Aboriginal people, not the false, Eurocentric models of biological superiority defined by crap “science” like social Darwinism and Manifest Destiny”.

Getting together may enable us to collectively influence the Canadian polity to move away from the paternalistic - charity and punishment – way of dealing with Aboriginal people as one whole, when there is such diversity and difference among 1^st Nations, Inuit and Metis people too.    

This visit to Kitigan-Zibi and meeting an astute leader like Chief Whiteduck and his people shows the absurdity of this old world approach.

Mohawk Elder Janice Longboat told me to use the word Trust rather than Hope, as hope has a hole in it.   

I trust this initiative from Chelsea will add to raising awareness of Canada’s opportunity to create the new balanced narrative, which includes its rich and diverse Aboriginal people. The bountiful Canada may just find more power in that balance to influence and contribute to a much more sustainable world.

Meegwetch.

Photos by Lalith Gunaratne

First Nations and Second Class Citizens – Lessons from Australia

Having traveled, lived and worked in various parts of the world, Canada is by far one of the best countries on earth. Yet, my bubble keeps bursting the more I learn about the plight of aboriginal people and to realize that, I as an immigrant have more rights and opportunities than the First People makes me very sad. I am inspired to write this as I heard a memorable tribute by Australian Aboriginal Elder, Noel Pearson to their 21^st Prime Minister, Gough Whitlam. I look forward to hearing an aboriginal tribute like this for a future Canadian leader.   His speech is accessed here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDIc45eOILE

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Noel Pearson

“One born estranged from the nation's citizenship, into a humble family of a marginal people striving in the teeth of poverty and discrimination, today it is no longer the case.  This because of the equalities of opportunities afforded by the Whitlam program”, said  Noel Pearson, Australian Aboriginal Lawyer and Activist, at Whitlam’s funeral eulogy on 5^th November 2014 at Sydney Town Hall[i].

He went onto say why. “The achievements of this old man are present in the institutions we today take for granted and played no small part in the progress of modern Australia. Who can say that liberating the talents and uplifting the horizons of Australians for equality is not a worthy charter for national leadership? My chances in this nation were a result of the Whitlam program. I share this consciousness with millions of my fellow Australians whose experiences speak to the great power of distributed opportunity.” 

PM Gough Whitlam

What a prodigious tribute to Australia’s leader from 1972 to 1975 who in those tumultuous 3 years made sweeping reforms and programs that brought Australia into a new world. Among them were the Racial Discrimination Act, needs-based schools funding, the law reform commission, student financial assistance, non-discriminatory immigration rules, community health clinics, Aboriginal land rights which paved the way for  Native Title Act under Prime Minister Keating in 1993.

That was 3 years before the last residential school was closed in Canada.

Author James Daschuk at Ottawa Book Fest 

As I learn about Canada and its relationship with its first people, my “Canadian bubble” - my perception of what it means for me to be Canadian is being tested.  Another bubble burst as I sat at the Knox Presbyterian Church in Ottawa in a crowded room listening to James Daschuk about his book Clearing the Plains: Disease, Politics of Starvation, and the Loss of Aboriginal Life on 1^st November 2014.

Daschuk’s emotional presentation spoke of the state-sponsored attack on indigenous communities whose effects continue to haunt us as a nation still.  

He spoke of the turning point for the plains people after the 1878 election of the John A MacDonald led Conservative government, which cut budgets and staff for Department of Indian Affairs including medical personnel. The opposition Liberals were no angels in this, as when they complained about the budget and spending, MacDonald is on record stating that the emergency rations would be refused until the “Indians” were on the verge of starvation. This was part of his plan to force the Aboriginal people off the plains onto reserves in order to settle the West and pave the way for the Canadian Pacific Railway.  

 

This chilling story of calculated callousness left me further confused about the contradictions of Canada. The divide between the First Nations people and non Natives, and the racism that drove those policies go largely unnoticed and unabated even today.  The political and social discourse perpetuated through education and the media makes us ignorant of this Canadian history.

The ultimate irony for Daschuk was receiving the Sir John A. Macdonald Prize from the Governor General a few days later.

Daschuk ended his talk by reflecting - “As we approach the 200th anniversary of Macdonald's birth, will these revelations about our first prime minister alter our perceptions of the man - and of ourselves as Canadians?”.  

 

Canadians have to face this history, not with guilt and defensiveness - as this happened long ago in another reality steeped in the settler notion of “Manifest Destiny” – a racial doctrine based on the god given right to expand land ownership, commercialism and Christianity by driving away aboriginal people off their land - but with the spirit of reconciling with the past and looking to the future to thrive in peaceful co-habitation.

The Canadian Charter for Rights and Freedoms Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau enacted in 1982 laid the groundwork for much social and political change for Aboriginal people and their rights today - including the Harper apology.  

Yet there continues to be political and bureaucratic inertia in settling land claims and other areas including funding inequalities in education and healthcare for Aboriginal communities for instance.  Many aboriginal leaders are fatigued and frustrated from legal battles and what a waste of people and resources for Canada.

Noel Pearson born in an Aboriginal reserve liberated his talents to have a fighting chance at equality only after the Australian government outlawed the institutionalized discrimination and the bureaucratic apparatus that controlled the reserves. Now they can hold their head up high in dignity and self esteem, as the laws of the land protects them, like every other citizen.  However, conditioning, attitudes and prejudices of the European Australians are slow to change.

There is an awareness of all this and a momentum mounting with the "Mainstream" who see Canada’s future clearly as a plural and multicultural nation. This includes honouring the First People’s historical significance on this land in the complex balance between inclusion and assimilation, and enabling the distinct nations to govern their own lands and people to flourish for mutual benefit. 

Acknowledging and Reaching Out

Tears welled up in me as I sat at the Carleton University’s 145^th Convocation on 15^th November 2014, as Master of Ceremonies and Vice Provost John Sheppard opened the ceremony acknowledging the Algonquin land we are occupying. Then he invited Metis elder Lois McCallum to recite the opening prayer who thanked the creator in gratitude for all we have and blessed the graduates for abundance of good things to come.  My emotions tugged at me as this gesture to acknowledge set an amazing example to those young graduates and their loved ones.

Most Canadians have an open and an inviting heart and according to John Ralston Saul, this is because everyone has some of the original Aboriginal Culture of welcoming to the circle. I know this from all my experiences here, even after coming through a traumatic introduction to Canada in the racially fraught 1970s.

                                                                                                                

Chelsea Mayor Caryl Green and friends walking to

Kitigan-Zibi

I celebrated this openness as I walked with my friends from Chelsea, Quebec to the Kitigan-Zibi Anishinabeg Reserve on 2^nd November 2014. The walk was organized by Janet Intscher and Sue Bramley and with Chelsea Mayor Caryl Green on a beautiful autumn Saturday.

Eight months ago on 23rd March 2013, Chelsea residents, gave the Nishiyuu Walkers - the six Cree youth and two guides who walked 1,600 kms from the remote village of Whapmagoostui, Quebec on the shores of the Hudson Bay and their 200 plus supporters, among them from Kitigan-Zibi north of Chelsea - a rousing welcome at the Meredith Centre.  

Chelsea elder David Maitland recited a welcome poem at the well organized event coordinated by Helen Patterson, Robert Vandenberg and other community leaders. The centre was a hive of activity with entertainment and abundant sumptuous food served by Les Fougeres restaurant. That day, I heard many a visitor voice their surprise and delight at the warm welcome, which they said was the best they had on their long journey.

There was a perfect “aboriginal” storm brewing for Chelsea as it was around the same time that the Meredith Centre

Billy Diamond

Robert Chitty - Gordon Group

featured the documentaries produced by Robert Chitty of the Gordon Group, on the James Bay Cree’s, Billy Diamond and the band (Eeyou Istchee) https://www.cngov.ca/press-november-10/   fight to protect the land from Quebec Hydro’s development.  

Chelsea was smitten by all this and decided to make a reciprocal gesture of reaching out, of listening and consulting their nearest First Nations community, which happens to be Kitigan-Zibi.  “We wanted to express our solidarity with them and to demonstrate in a concrete way that some people are indeed listening”, said Janet Intscher, as inspiration for the walk. 

Kitigan-Zibi Community Center Display

As Chelsea moves forward with with this journey with no grand plan to let things unfold, they are beginning to form friendships with the Anishinabeg people.  As an outsider and insider – I am intrigued and excited about the possibilities. It just may lead to bigger things - to succor and support the new friends in their struggle for respect, equality and balance by influencing the powers that be.

My reflections on the walk and the welcome to the Kitigan-Zibi reserve will be next.   

Stay tuned.

Meegwetch.

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[i] http://www.smh.com.au/comment/noel-pearsons-eulogy-for-gough-whitlam-in-full-20141105-11haeu.html#ixzz3IWy4sbzx

Finding the Balance for Good Parenting

Parenting is important work  - whether together, separate or alone. We need a vision and a thoughtful strategy to nurture and discipline based on a set of values and a lot of love and some luck.  This foundation may guide us through the tumultuous, complex and rewarding journey that begins with a loving union.  I share this article based on Samantha's and my experiences as parents. 
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Many of us look back at our simple childhood without much technology - and some of us did not even have electricity in our homes, let alone TV or a telephone - and idealise it.   Now with all this technology, life is fast paced and globally interconnected.  The competition is high and more than ever, media and social pressure defines what is cool and what is not.  All this complexity adds a lot more stress to a growing child.

We as parents may feel a gap in understanding our two worlds.  As the gap widens we may lose control.  


Maybe it is ok to let go as Poet Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet says;

Kahlil Gibran - Times of India Photo

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

If we are to have an impact on who they will become, find the right balance to influence and teach and guide them, as they leave our clutches at a much younger age in a fast paced world....  

Listening deeply to the Sage advice of Gibran, we learn to let go, but let go with love, letting them know we are always there. 

We differ about giving our thoughts, as it is our thoughts through our experiences, that will guide them first to make their own choices, as they grow to their tomorrow with their own thoughts.  We then do our best to walk the talk with values of respect, honesty, generosity, graciousness and integrity.

 

From Year Dot

We begin by cherishing the birth of this miracle gift of life, we are selfless in the way we nurture the helpless infant, giving but not expecting back, so this new life has a chance to make it in the world to do good. We realize the child belongs to all, the community, the world, nature around us - as how the child lives life will impact us all.

We nurture mutual trust with the child in the way we communicate appropriately through time, so they will explore new ways of learning. We teach them that life has boundaries and limits that when crossed has consequences that we make good on.  This way they learn to be independent, yet disciplined and responsible,  a part of a system that is interconnected and interdependent.

As interesting conversations happen around 4 – you may teach the basics of breathing - our life force.  Show them how it gets short and shallow when they are anxious, scared and angry.  Show them how they breathe deep into the lungs when they are relaxed and happy.  Continue to reinforce this teaching so they can always come home for their breath. 

Around 7, introduce them to meditation by focusing on their breath. With practice they will learn to follow their mind and the roller coaster of emotions - their feelings and needs. They will become mindful of their thoughts and realize the power to control them for skillful action. When they quiet the mind, they will learn they are one with nature. 

Take them to the wilds to be among trees and the bounty of nature.  Show them your respect for the tree as it is connected to the breath and life.  They will learn that every creature, every plant - tiny or large - is a part of this web of life. 

Teach them about a balanced diet as what they ingest into their bodies stay for a long time.  Try your best to keep them away from sugar water of various colors and fast food.

Teach them about the wonders of their body and mind through yoga, leading to their balance and well being.  Encourage creativity, to draw, to sing and dance, so they get attuned to the rhythm of life - as all life is a beat, just like the heart beats to a rhythm, the child learns the patterns of life. 

Teach the child martial arts - the ultimate challenge to learn their limits, to quiet the mind, listen carefully, see and read the signals and learn to react even before the other raises a hand.  They will learn to fine tune their intuition - the sixth sense - the awareness of body and mind.  With martial arts, they will find power – the power of balance.

Teach them language and the skill of communication, to listen well, read body language and to articulate with respect.  Show them the power of words as it can build relationships or break them.  Teach them to negotiate, not for zero sum, but for win-win.

Practice gratitude - teach them to appreciate daily, the bounty they have. 


Then and only then are they ready for math, science and the arts of the rational, material world, as that is the world they have to learn to survive and thrive in.

We feed their self esteem with appreciation balanced with tough love as appropriate, so they are responsible for their actions.  

Even as they leave us, continue to give them a sense of belonging, a sense of community, always a place to call home. 

We can let go of the child with high self esteem and love in their hearts, as they will understand the world, its suffering and imperfections as nature is, and live in it gracefully with power of balance. 

This then requires us parents - together or not - to synchronize, agree on a code of practice to support each other, be consistent with our messaging - find equanimity, as life is full of trials and tribulations, as we face our own challenges with our lives, work and the outside world.  

We will make mistakes - we will lose our temper, but always come back and make amends. 

An apology out of a parent shows we are also human and fallible, that we also lose our balance every so often, but that our intentions are good, that we love them unconditionally no matter their failures, so they are assured that they have a safe place in our hearts and in their home.  

To be good parents, we have to be strategic, plan and coordinate to find our power of balance and to accept that all that we teach may not be heeded. 

With this foundation a child may become mindful, fearless, centered, grounded and confident to face the world, a world they have to influence to change to become more resilient, sustainable, more peaceful and harmonious, as we adults lament what we leave behind is not perfect, but at least, we equip the child to be skillful at life and find that power of balance.



We can then heed Gibran and let them go when they are ready with their own thoughts, as they are a life longing for themselves...

....But fledgelings learn to fly, 

And when they go, 
You wait and watch, 
They will return - 
But only when they will, 
Stand by then, until needed 
For then,
They are your children still...

A poem Your Children by Dorothy Ludowijk Joseph - A Daughter of Lanka in her book of poetry Moments of Passion and of Peace.

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Photo of the Elapata Gunaratnes by Manya Chadwick

A Tribute to Samantha... "Super Ammi-Mom" and dedicated to our loving children - Sacha, Natalya, Aitana and Rahel..... who test our patience and bring us much joy and all the children on earth who deserve to be loved and set free....

 <lalith@sagetraining.org>